Like or Dislike: 0  0

Like or Dislike: 0  0

15 years ago, I was raped by someone I’ll just call a friend of the family. I was so shocked, so completely incapable of processing what was going on, that I shut down completely, aside from lying there with my hands over my face thinking, “This is not happening to me, this is not happening to me.” And the worst thing is that it took me 14 years to realize that, yes, it really WAS rape, in no small part because I never struggled and I never said no. We’re taught so many times that rape has to be a violent thing, and while the act is inherently violent in this situation, it was nothing like the kind of violent we hear about on the news, so…was it really rape? If I had to ask, didn’t that answer my question? As it turns out, NO, the thoughts going through my head–which I’d never really given much attention to after the fact–were more than enough answer, but it took a friend pointing that out before I really wrapped my head around it, practically a lifetime later.

And then my minister pointed out that of course I couldn’t say no, because I’d never been allowed to. Cue brain seizing up and inability to respond to the situation. It made perfect sense to me, and is why I swear this post could be about me. Thanks so much for writing it.

Like or Dislike: 0  0

Like or Dislike: 0  0

Like or Dislike: 0  0

College can be a cesspool of misogyny. Everybody’s trying on identities, and exaggerated gender performances are popular and easy ways to go. You’ll almost certainly run into more situations that are deeply uncomfortable or confusing or even traumatic, and you certainly won’t always act the way you later wish you had. But knowing you’ve got the ability to review this shit and put it in its proper place is going to get you through a lot better than most. Be sure to come back and tell us about it.

Like or Dislike: 0  0

Then I started reading the comments, and all of a sudden I realized that yes, it (unwanted male attention that bordered on creepy/sexual) has happened to me… and the very worst thing of all is that I didn’t even realize it. The one incident that stands out to me the most happened on a school trip to see Spanish dancers with my Spanish class. I didn’t have a lot of friends in that class, so the person I was hanging out with on that trip was the older brother of my best friend, who I knew and was sort of friends with in passing. (as in, we didn’t hang out or anything, but we knew each other and talked in class and so on) So we’re talking on this trip, maybe I was flirting a little bit (I want to emphasize that I was only about 14 at this point and had never had a boyfriend, so I was hopelessly innocent), and we end up sitting next to each other to watch the show.

And he promptly puts his hand on my thigh.

I didn’t know what to do. I was the good girl. I didn’t get into situations like this, because I didn’t wear revealing clothing, I didn’t flirt with guys (much), I didn’t even hang out with them much, at least not outside of school. I remember just sort of freezing inside, not saying anything, just sort of moving my leg and pretending I didn’t notice it. To his credit, the semi-friend didn’t push it, and he never did anything like that again, but I was still left with this terrible feeling of guilt that I still have today of… was I sending the wrong signals? Did I give him the wrong feeling about me? Did I encourage him to do that, even though I didn’t mean to? And of course there’s the feeling of maybe that was just an innocent gesture, maybe he didn’t mean anything by it, maybe I’m blowing this way out of proportion. I never mentioned it to anyone, and we never talked about it, but I’ve lived with this lurking guilt ever since. As I was reading these comments, this occurrence jumped back into my mind, and… I suddenly realized that those feelings of guilt I’ve held all these years, those are the result of a society that tells me that as a woman, it’s my fault guys are attracted to me. They’re just guys, they can’t help being attracted to a woman. I need to be careful what I do, say, and wear, because otherwise guys will get the wrong idea about me, and when they take liberties it will be my fault. I shouldn’t have been flirting with the guy in the first place, et cetera.

But this article has made me realize that I was wrong. I was completely wrong. Yeah, OK, so the guy backed off when it was obvious I wasn’t responding. Sure, it wasn’t really sexual harassment, or even anything serious. But it was something I never asked for and didn’t want, and there is nothing wrong with that. If he misread my signals, that’s his problem. It is not my fault that he didn’t realize I wasn’t really looking for that kind of attention. And now that I think about it, it is especially not my fault, because what kind of guy just starts touching a girl when they barely know each other and the only possible attention they’ve paid to each other is a little flirting on an hour-long bus ride?

Thank you so much for writing this article. From reading the comments, I know people with a lot more serious issues than mine have been helped with their problems, but I’m just glad that you were about take this weight off my life. I’m going off to college in the fall, and I readily admit I’m nervous about the kind of attention I might get there, but this article has really helped me to realize that I’m in charge of my life, and if I don’t want to do something in it, I don’t have to. Call me innocent, call me lucky that that’s the worst thing that ever happened to me, but when you do I will tell you (as Harriet Jacobs has just taught me) that it doesn’t matter how trivial it seems, if it hurts or disturbs me in any way, it’s wrong and needs to be dealt with. No matter what.

Like or Dislike: 0  0

And the friends and authority figures that I went to for help and protection reacted pretty similarly. “Just tell him to get lost,” said my friends, about the man who had repeatedly described to me his fantasies of killing everyone in the world but the two of us. “I’ll call him in and we’ll sit down and have a mediation session,” said my Resident Advisor, about the man who had come into my dorm room when I was not either not present or, more likely, asleep and used my personal computer. “You can tell him that you are uncomfortable with his behavior.”

I eventually figured out, to some degree, that I was not responsible for their behavior. But this entry has put it into terms so concise, and illuminated for me all the corners of my experience that I simply couldn’t understand. (Why was it so hard to say no? Why, even when I got up the courage to say no, did I have to make an excuse that preserved his ego? Why, when he brushed that excuse aside, did it get progressively harder to say no each time I had to say it instead of easier?)

Like or Dislike: 0  0

Like or Dislike: 0  0

Anyway, I wanted to comment, and I figured this might be the appropriate place, as it was the one that introduced me to all the rest of the mind-blowing content. I have very little new to say, just the same old a) Harriet, you’re amazing; and b) THANK YOU HARRIET.

I’ve lived an incredibly privileged and sheltered life, as an upper-class white girl with an almost-unbelievably stable family and social network, great education, etc. I’ve always recognized that, but I never really knew how to deal with it: how to understand issues like abuse and rape, racism, etc. from a position of privilege. I had vague ideas about feminism and anti-racism, but this blog has opened my eyes to how deep these problems go, and how much I need to struggle with my own actions and attitudes. I’ve been undergoing a lot of profound transformation in my worldviews the last two years since I left home for college, and Fugitivus has contributed so much. My way of thinking has been radically changed for the better, so THANK YOU.

Like or Dislike: 0  0