I didn't want to hijack the Everything Else thread anymore with my stuff, so I picked what seemed like the most appropriate category.
Okay. I finally got out of my mom's house, and into a shelter. The shelter sucks. I had heard how much shelters sucked and how dangerous they could be but I also heard the eternally tempting reassurance compassionate, privileged parts of society tell you- hey, buddy, you can get help. There are places for you. The part that makes it seem like you'll get what you need and be safe even if you're not happy and things aren't ideal. So I was hopeful and I didn't check my privilege hard enough.
Since I don't fully understand how dangerous my situation is, I'm acting and being very conspicuous. I've been continuing my activism- by speaking up occasionally- when it's not safe to. I'm going to try to lay low from now on.
I tried to negotiate with my parents but neither of them will listen. My dad is more concerned about how hard HIS troubles are, and how much of a beef his girlfriend has with me (she's ableist and she needs to get over it. Her problem with me is not my fault), than my safety. I told him if he didn't get me out of the house of my abuser and into a house where I would be safe from abuse that I was going to risk rape and murder to stay on the streets and in the shelters. And all he could tell me was that I wasn't thinking rationally because I needed to go back on my meds. And that he'd only help me if I went back on my meds. And went back to my mom's house. And waited a month to stabilize on those meds. And then he'd continue to "work toward getting me a place to stay". When what I need to hear is, "get me the fuck out of there".
I tried to compromise as much as I could. I agreed to go back on the meds. I agreed to go back into my mom's house. And I agreed to stay on the meds for a month. But I said he had to give me a sign of progress that I'd be getting out of the house by the end of the month, no matter how small. And that he had to do everything in his power to fight my abusers and make sure they knew if they abused me there would be consequences.
We ALMOST had an arrangement. I called my mom and laid out the terms for her. She was calm and sort of kind of listened, though with some abuse-mentality-selfishness and blaming thrown in. And then she put my brother on the phone.
He used his Authoritarian Man Voice on me and tried to tell me how crazy I am. He talked over me. He kept saying "you, Eirwyn, need to listen *FOR A CHANGE*". I snapped at him and hung up the phone.
My dad says, "You're trying to scare me into giving you what I want." And I said, "No, Dad, I'm trying to wake you up to the reality of what I need."
If he can't trust me, if he continues to value his girlfriend's ableist hang ups and his own financial troubles over my safety, then I just don't know what I'm going to do.
I talked to different friends who said a lot of reasonable things and encouraged me to pick whichever option was safest for me. But I don't feel like compromising anymore. I don't feel like being told that surrendering to abuse is the price I have to pay for getting food. And maybe in the shelters it's the exact same thing. That I have to put up with ableist, classist, sleazy fuckholes who now have even more freedom and sanction to harm me than they did when I was safely tucked away in the suffocating embrace of my mother and brother. But that's a risk I'm willing to take right now to get them to wake the fuck up. It's only the same message I've been sending every time I cut myself or tried to kill myself: Stop oppressing me, or I am going to die.
I talked and I talked and I talked to my dad on the phone. I used all the words of power that are supposed to make people stop dead in their tracks and fucking listen to you. None of it worked. And if I scare him too badly with the consequences then he's more than likely just going to try harder to control me, and he'll never learn that you can't take away someone's self-determination for their own good. Well, maybe you can, in dire situations, but I don't GET any self-determination anyway if I choose safety.
I do know that right now I'm really manic. The words keep going on and on and on and I have so much energy and so much confidence. So maybe I am making a really huge mistake. But it's a mistake I need to be free to make so that I know how strong I can be, and how far I can push the people who have power over me before they give me what I need to survive.
So I guess all of you can just wish me luck right now. I have internet access sometimes because they offer it at one of the shelters, and I just found out I get free internet access on my phone now. I brought the charger and the phone with me so I should be pretty available, provided no one steals my phone, I don't lose it, don't have to trade it for something I might need more, or provided my mom doesn't cut off my account with our phone provider to put more pressure on me to come home. Yeah, I guess all you can do is wish me luck. I'm glad you folks tried to help me as much as you did. I'll keep you updated on any good news.