Fugitivus Discussion Forum

I've been wanting to ask how many abused people have ended up abusing another, unwittingly or otherwise, and how they come to terms with that. Because statistics I've seen in the past do seem to indicate that when it comes to parental abuse in particular, often the abused end up abusing, themselves.

And in hindsight, I think I was not a particularly good older sister, and was even at times abusive, myself. I could bring up all sorts of possible justifications for that; I was on medications that caused me to lash out at the slightest provocation, she was very, very obviously the preferred child, she constantly goaded me on and was what even my parents eventually termed "Mommy Jr." when the last thing I needed was a third fucking parental figure trying to control every aspect of my life, but at the end of the day, I still have to deal with the fact that I did, at times, abuse her, and especially in light of everything I'm already struggling to come to terms with now, it just fucking kills me that I would pass on my own damage to someone else, and possibly continue that cycle. That I was too young or too drugged up to recognize that at the time is no excuse, since it doesn't undo any damage that has been done.

Now, I recognize on some level that I am better for at least being capable of understanding that I, intentionally or unintentionally, caused harm to another human being, but I have no guarantee my sister would feel the same way if I were to bring up the subject, and I know I would be at least moderately uncomfortable if my parents or one of my exes were to bring up the subject of their abuse of me just out of the blue one day. Even if it was to say sorry. I think I would be cynical and apprehensive and entirely likely, particularly in the case of said exes, to just say "fuck off", and I think I would be entirely justified in that response. And so would she.

Furthermore, she has never confronted me to insinuate that she felt abused, and has been guilty of her fair share of abuse herself, even if it was not as bad as most of everything else I've experienced.

I've abused other people and animals before. Numerous times with different people or creatures. I was emotionally abusive to a four year old I had to babysit once, when I was in grade school. I was physically abusive to a dog we had, and a cat. I've been cold and mean when my friend confessed she was suicidal, and I've had to regret it ever since because she started doing heavy drugs and getting into abusive relationships for which she was underaged and the other person was in their mid twenties. I've been emotionally and physically abusive to my mom- usually I've felt like I was justified because she tends to attack me first, but abuse is still abuse. I only just realized that I've traumatized the family dog because of my twitchy, knee-jerk reactions to things he does, to the point where he watches me warily when I move around the room, and flinches when I make any sudden movements. I was extremely hostile to my dad's girlfriend's son, to the point where now I'm afraid to go back to that house while he's still there now that he's a teenager and all angry. I've abused total strangers over the internet- I've been a troll and attacked people for talking about sadness or being "too emo".

In middle school, for example, what I viewed as rough and tumble normal activity like punching people on the arm for being annoying got me a talking to. My boyfriend makes horrible, horrible puns and I'll find myself smacking his arm or leg a little too hard as we both groan at whatever he just said. He's never complained about it, but the urge to do physical harm to someone I love distresses me.

Two things I've found to be quite helpful with that are martial arts and BDSM. Some of the guys at my dojo like to show how badass they are by taking a lot of pain during pins and throws, and I'm very happy to oblige. I really like training hard and both giving and receiving hard throws and serious joint locks. I have bruised people and gotten bruises. There's something really satisfying about getting a nasty nerve-pinching throw just right and making a black belt with gym-rat muscles grimace and grunt and then grin at me and say, "YEAH! That's the stufff!"

Also, a year or two ago I got involved with a BDSM play partner who is really into pain. He has taught me how to use canes and paddles and straps on him and loves it when I leave horrible welts and make him squirm and gasp in pain. So I do. Having two spaces where it's okay (even actively encouraged) to cause pain makes my urge to hurt people pretty much disappear outside the dojo and the play space. If I go too long without either activity, though, I find that low simmer starts up again.

Part of it's the power, I think. I was so powerless under my mom's abuse, and being hurtful to others provides a cheap power rush that makes some piece of me feel like I'm NOT her victim anymore. Which: uh, no. So, therapy therapy therapy. Lots of internal work.

The other piece is that I've lived with chronic pain for most of my life in one way or another, and it's given me both a very high pain tolerance (which it's easy to forget others don't have) and a fascination for playing with pain.