I've been wanting to ask how many abused people have ended up abusing another, unwittingly or otherwise, and how they come to terms with that. Because statistics I've seen in the past do seem to indicate that when it comes to parental abuse in particular, often the abused end up abusing, themselves.
And in hindsight, I think I was not a particularly good older sister, and was even at times abusive, myself. I could bring up all sorts of possible justifications for that; I was on medications that caused me to lash out at the slightest provocation, she was very, very obviously the preferred child, she constantly goaded me on and was what even my parents eventually termed "Mommy Jr." when the last thing I needed was a third fucking parental figure trying to control every aspect of my life, but at the end of the day, I still have to deal with the fact that I did, at times, abuse her, and especially in light of everything I'm already struggling to come to terms with now, it just fucking kills me that I would pass on my own damage to someone else, and possibly continue that cycle. That I was too young or too drugged up to recognize that at the time is no excuse, since it doesn't undo any damage that has been done.
Now, I recognize on some level that I am better for at least being capable of understanding that I, intentionally or unintentionally, caused harm to another human being, but I have no guarantee my sister would feel the same way if I were to bring up the subject, and I know I would be at least moderately uncomfortable if my parents or one of my exes were to bring up the subject of their abuse of me just out of the blue one day. Even if it was to say sorry. I think I would be cynical and apprehensive and entirely likely, particularly in the case of said exes, to just say "fuck off", and I think I would be entirely justified in that response. And so would she.
Furthermore, she has never confronted me to insinuate that she felt abused, and has been guilty of her fair share of abuse herself, even if it was not as bad as most of everything else I've experienced.