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 Post subject: I don't know how to parse this situation
PostPosted: Sun May 29, 2011 8:43 pm 
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Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 5
I've been trying to, parse, I guess is the best word, this situation for the past two and a half years. Right now I'm at the point where I can think about things without getting the suffocating feeling too much, so I want to figure out what is going on with me so that I can deal with it. Right, so what happened is this.
Spoiler: show
My husband and I waited to have sex until we got married, because this is everyone at our church and our friends and parents told us to do and we wanted to do the right thing. So then the night after the wedding, obviously we thought we had to have sex, because that's what everyone said. I was like sure whatever. Married women at church had said that its awful the first time, but after that everything is all sunshine and rainbows, so I thought if I could be brave and get through the first time, then my life would be all sunshine and rainbows. So it wasn't exactly like that, I mean it was horrible and hurt a lot, but once it started I thought it'd be horrible and mean to be all 'stop it, you jerk! I love you but you're hurting me a lot!', plus at that point I still thought that this one time I had to just get through it and then I would be in sunshine and rainbow land. Well two and a half years later, I STILL hate sex, and it's fun maybe a third of the time, and I feel like an awful person. Because if I had done what empowered, independent feminist thought says, I would have spoken up when I wasn't having fun the first time, and maybe things would be wonderful now, and it is ALL MY FAULT that things aren't, so why am I being such a bitch and complaining? I feel really bad for my husband about this, because he did what everyone told him to, and he thought as a result he'd get a wife who would enjoy having sex with him. But nope, instead he got one that can only have sex about once a month at the most, because otherwise I'm too fucked up in the head and mopey and depressed to be able to get any work done. (Oh yeah, all this on top of I'm in grad school, doing a Ph.D. in chemistry.)

I have no idea what I'm asking yall here. What Should I Have Done? Is There Anything I Can Do Now?
In our social circles/church/family, divorce is unacceptable and not an option unless someone cheats on someone. And it's not really what I want. Honestly, right now, what I would like is to just not have to have sex ever again. I mean, I do really love this guy, and he's sweet and considerate and awesome. I offered that he could tell our families that I cheated on him, so that they would be okay with us getting divorced, but that would be lying so he didn't go for it. I told him that I would not consider it cheating if he slept with other people, but he said he would feel like he was cheating on me and that he would never do that. Shit, him being so nice is making my position WORSE. Help me!


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 Post subject: Re: I don't know how to parse this situation
PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2011 12:40 am 
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Joined: Mon May 17, 2010 10:30 am
Posts: 627
Location: A snowy northern hexagon.
I feel comfortable addressing at least the "I feel like an awful person" part of this: I do not believe you are an awful person. I believe you are a person dealing with a shitty situation that isn't necessarily anyone's fault, and certainly isn't yours.

I also know what feeling fucked up in the head and mopey and depressed is like, and I encourage you to find whatever solution leads to you not feeling like that, because it's no fun at all.

And finally, here is a box of hugs. I packed it just for you.

Code:
/--------\
|########|
|#*hugs*#|
|########|
\--------/


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 Post subject: Re: I don't know how to parse this situation
PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 2:34 am 
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Posts: 403
Location: Tasmania, Australia
alcemydd, I'm so sorry that you've been going through this, and the first thing I want to say is: this experience absolutely does not make you an awful person. We're not always equipped to deal with what's in front of us, so we do the best we can. Like Hex said, that's a shitty situation.

It sounds to me like there are a few things going on in your situation. To start with, what you 'should' have done is kindof irrelevant now. Beating yourself up over how you could have handled the situation differently isn't actually going to help you move on and get to fixing it - especially since it's not your fault.

Second, the sex issue and your marriage aren't actually the same thing; your husband sounds like a pretty excellent guy, and you've clearly got plenty of smarts. That sounds to me like two people who can work out how their own model for how their marriage is gonna work. There is no reason that you should have to endure horrific sexual experiences to make your marriage 'work'. You've had to deal with some really shitty stuff; it's totally reasonable for you to say, 'look, the way we did this really hasn't worked for me. Let's work out something that does.' Agree to give yourselves the time and space to figure out what you need, and how you want to go about achieving that.

Neither of you should be forcing yourselves to be part of something which harms you, but there are as many ways to make relationships work as there are people in them. If the model you've got from your upbringing & social/church circle doesn't work for you, build a new one. If you're both ok with counselling, go see someone.

I can relate to the fucked in the head stuff making it nigh-impossible to do anything. Just to reiterate: you are not a horrible person. None of this makes you a horrible person. Believing that you're not a horrible person can be the hardest thing, but there's something out there you can do / use to get there. I hope you find it, because no-one deserves to feel like that.


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 Post subject: Re: I don't know how to parse this situation
PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2011 4:46 am 
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Joined: Fri May 27, 2011 10:57 pm
Posts: 5
Thanks so much yall!! Advice from other people always seems so much more valid than anything I come up with myself, you know? Your comments have given me a lot to think about.


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 Post subject: heart with multiple blade, already numb, but there are a vas
PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2013 12:12 pm 
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 Post subject: is mere similar to murder passing .Shehong the heat before y
PostPosted: Tue May 14, 2013 12:13 pm 
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 Post subject: BusshideNipse Neretutsgrief Sesestectut 1096428
PostPosted: Sat May 18, 2013 10:46 pm 
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