Fugitivus Discussion Forum

So after reading some of Harriet's writing on rape, I feel like I need to talk about my experience with being raped-well, what I consider the most clear-cut experience of rape-because it's just not something that I feel I can really talk about with other people. I suppose I can tell someone glibly that I was raped, but it really doesn't explain or deal with the situation that runs around in a loop in my head on some days, and leads to nightmares on others.

And the worst part about this whole thing is the fact that I feel like it's not "the worst" rape that could happen. It's not as bad as being beaten within an inch of my life or murdered. It's not as bad as being impregnated by a rapist. And it isn't like it happened over and over again.

And it's probably not the worst abuse that I have ever suffered.

But I guess I should explain the situation-which is complicated.

Basically, I was "still friends" with an ex boyfriend who wanted to stay over at our (studio) apartment because there was a tournament in town and he lived out of town. I said yes because I felt like I could trust him-even though we had broken up we were still fairly friendly and he seemed to understand my boundaries (although our relationship had a lot of bothersome things in it that bordered on creepy, I simply assumed that since I was no longer in the "girlfriend" box that I was safe). Anyway, so he ended up sleeping on the floor and my partner and I slept on the bed. During the night, I kept thinking that someone was tickling or touching me-I thought it was my partner-or maybe I was half-asleep. I later learned that the ex was trying to fondle me while I was supposedly sleeping. So instead of saying anything (which would make everyone uncomfortable), I just hopped over to the other side of my partner to sleep-which was ok. However, the next morning, my partner had to go to work early.

I was awakened by a weight on my stomach. I could SMELL him on top of me-that semi-sour milk odor that I was familiar with. I heard him fumbling on top of me and could not believe what he was doing. I knew he was masturbating on top of me, and then he started grabbing my breasts and rubbing his penis against it. I froze and just laid there as though I was still asleep. He started humping my chest, stabbing me in the ribs through the breasts with his penis until he orgasmed. Then, he collapsed, went to the bathroom (leaving me cold and freaking out and frozen and still trying to pretend I was asleep) and then came back and wiped off the semen and then went back to his sleeping bag as though nothing had happened.

A lot of people tell me that unless someone actually goes into your vagina or anus, it's not really rape. But as far as I'm concerned, he used my BODY as a thing to fuck without my consent. And as far as I am concerned, that is rape and it is wrong and awful.

I keep thinking that I should have screamed or tried to push him off, but I know that even though he is thin and lanky, he also has a lot of training in aikido, and I kept flashing back to the time where he pulled a move on me where he just grabbed my hand in a slight way, causing intense pain as an example of his prowess. I kept thinking that I was probably lucky because if I had woken up or freaked out on him, he could have decided that-what the hell-why not rape me vaginally and hit me or incapacitate me as well? I shudder to think what else he could have been capable of after crossing that line. So basically, I saw him off to his bus ride and then just deleted him from every contact I had.

When I finally felt comfortable talking about it, I finally told some of our mutual friends and most of them completely shunned him after that-so that felt good. To be believed, and to feel like people would understand that not only was he wrong for doing it but that he wasn't friend material for being a rapist, helped me feel a little better.

But I'm still afraid. Afraid that I'll see him one day, or that he'll find me and hurt me or hurt my family.

He called me a couple of months later and acted like he couldn't understand why I wouldn't talk to him. He tried to turn it around at me as though I was the one who had caused him an inconvenience.

And yet, I still blame myself. I still feel relief that it was "only" a mild rape experience, but I feel terrible that I had to deal with actually being raped at all.

Of course, it doesn't help that my mom raised me with two very strong messages:

1) You are fat and ugly and no one will ever love you

2) Most men are rapists and abusers and will hurt little girls like you if they get the chance.

Which got stuck in my head as the logical outcome:

"You are ugly and fat and no one will ever love you, so therefore the only way you will ever get sex is if some horrible pedophile/rapist/attacker comes by and bestows sex upon you in a horrible sexual assault."

So, therefore, I was expecting it (because that is what I have been taught to expect since I was 5 or 6 when these tirades about rapists and my inability to be even remotely desirable as a human being began), but when the actual rape happened, it was like it traumatized me while also making me feel like "well, if I've gone through this without being broken forever, then I guess that there isn't much else out there that CAN break me." It was like the relief of being hyped up to get your booster shot but then after, you're not nearly as freaked out, even if you still feel trauma.

So I'm stuck in this cycle of feeling dirty and awful about what happened (especially my part in "allowing" it to happen by allowing him in my studio in the first place, and not speaking up when he was being inappropriate before the rape), but I also feel sickly empowered in some respects because it was The Worst Thing That Could Happen, and it happened and it's over now.

Anyway, it feels somewhat cathartic to actually write out the whole story about what happened, especially the fact that there were parts where I was in the wrong (read: parts where other people in hearing the story would immediately say that I was a "slut" or "asked for it"), but I know that logically, when it comes down to it, it was his choice to do stuff to me without my express consent, and all I could do was basically provide damage control for myself to get through it.

But it doesn't make me feel any cleaner inside. And it doesn't help that even though my partner says that he supports me, I am sure he can't help but look at me in a negative light because of what was done to me.

And it's really fucking hard to be looked at like The Victim, and to feel like The Victim, because I don't want to be that. I want to be happy and whole. And I just don't think I know how to be that way.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. When something traumatic happens, don't let people "grade" the experience for you- the fact is that it still did some real damage and must be dealt with. My analogy is that just because people are starving in a different country, doesn't mean I'm any less hungry- just because other people were beaten, or penetrated, doesn't mean your experience doesn't count.

I don't at all think you're to blame, either. It seems wrong to me that you should be considered at fault simply for trusting someone to behave like a decent human being. And I think our society encourages us to try to ignore our feelings when someone is creeping us out, to think, "Well, that doesn't necessarily mean...", so it seems natural you would let the initial creepy behavior pass, in a society that teaches us to ignore danger, because 'not making a fuss' is somehow more important than our safety and well being. You also did what you could to make sure you were safe, and you had good reason to believe that if you resisted you would get hurt.

The act belongs entirely to the psychopath who did it. It's he who is the dirty one, not you. And victims are some of the strongest people alive. Getting support, talking to people around you about what happened, shows me that you're doing something to help yourself after what happened to you, and that doesn't say "Victim" (with all the negative connotations attached- I still think it's nothing to be ashamed of) to me. You're taking steps to ensure you will be happy and whole, and that's important.

First off, I want to say that I am so sorry this happened to you. None of what happened was your fault and you did not deserve for this to happen to you. I don't care if you slept in the same bed with your ex that night - he had no right to even touch you without your consent.

Do not minimize what happened to you. Do not let anyone else minimize what happened to you. Rape is an incredibly traumatic experience, regardless of how it happened or who the perpetrator was.

Victims and survivors often regret not fighting back or not doing something to stop the attack. By not fighting back, you survived. As you stated before, he had the ability to seriously hurt you had you fought back. In situations like this, the body and mind often subconsciously work together to do what they can to help you survive. You survived by pretending like you were sleeping through the attack, which in this case, was so incredibly resourceful.

Pretty much everything you have written about the aftermath of your rape is very common among victims and survivors. The feelings of being dirty will get better with time, as will the nightmares and the flashbacks. Telling your story is an integral part of the healing process, so you are well on your way. I have worked with a number of victims and survivors, and I would absolutely consider you a Survivor, not a Victim.

Please remember that nothing that happened to you was your fault. You were not in the wrong - he was. All of this will get better, I promise you. You just need to give yourself time to heal. Don't put a deadline on this. The healing process is different for everyone and only you, and you alone, will know how long you will need to heal.

Have you talked to your local rape crisis center or a therapist about this? If not, it may be helpful to do so. If you do a search for "rape crisis center" and your city, you should be able to find a center nearby. Most, if not all rape crisis centers have 24-hour crisis lines. You can also find information about your local crisis center under the "Get Help" section of RAINN (http://www.rainn.org).

Other things that are helpful are doing things that are enjoyable for you. If you like to write, keep a journal so you can record your thoughts and feelings about what happened to you. Go on long walks to help clear your mind. Allow yourself to cry. And allow yourself to have those days to grieve the loss of your sense of safety and your trust in others.

Know that we are here if you need to talk. Take care.

I hear you on both parts of that, and I wanted to thank you for bringing up the second part. I don't think it's strange to try to wrest something good from the enormous pile of shit that rape dumps on your life. I was in an abusive relationship for a few years in my late teens, and a lot of bad stuff happened, including sexual assault.



When I finally told people about what had happened, that first assault was what I told them about. And I had the same sense of responsibility - I should have made my boundaries clearer, I should have left him then instead of letting him suck me into 2 years of hell - whihc made me feel dirty and miserable and like I shouldn't even be complaining because I was so horrible I had brought it on myself. A friend of mine, who had been his friend as well until I told her about this crap set me straight. She told me I might be hurt, might be scarred a little, but I wasn't dirty, or slutty or at fault. All the dirt, all the shame, all the guilt, lay squarely on the shoulders of the perpetrator. It took me a long time to really believe that, but it would have taken longer if I hadn't heard it from her first. So I want to repeat what Mama Bear and Eirwyn said - it wasn't your fault. The blame is his. This dirt is his. There is no shame in assuming that the people you know are decent human beings who won't hurt you. If they do hurt you, it's because they, not you, are bad.

As for the "sickly empowered" thing - look, you survived something terrible and you're still breathing, moving, living. That is a victory, even if it's from a battle you never wanted to be within 50 miles of. If telling yourself "I made it through this, I didn't break" makes it easier to keep living, to stay unbroken, then do it as long as you need to. When I got all the way away from the guy who hurt me, years later I took a cold bitter comfort (but comfort nonetheless) from the fact that I physically resisted when I wasn't sure I'd succeed. Even though that didn't do me any good over the following years, when I was in a relationship where he continued to abuse me, continued to force me (though with different means) into sex I didn't want, I could hold on to that moment when the self-hatred threatened to overwhelm me. Not everyone fights the same way - you had the wits in a terrible situation to calculate your best chance of minimizing hurt and you took it. That isn't giving up or surrender - that's a tactical decision that allowed you to get through it and reveal him to your circle. Hang on to that when you start to blame yourself - you were canny and clever and had the opportunity to unmask the bastard to your circle and you seized it. If you can pull anything good from the shitheap of what he did, anything that helps you keep going, that's another victory you've snatched from his jaws. Sometimes I think you have to flaunt, if only to yourself, the little victories, the ways in which the bastards failed to keep you down.

TLDR: It wasn't your fault, you aren't dirty, and if reveling in the strength that your survival is evidence of helps you to heal, revel sister!