Fugitivus Discussion Forum

I totally love you replying Jess! Yay! ^__^

And Mom TFH,
I can't speak for her of course, but I have a few thoughts.
Keep in mind that being trans can be a very public sort of thing. Like "feeling the eyes of everyone upon you" both metaphorically and often not so metaphorically.
People ask intrusive questions all the time, or feel entitled to answers; and it can get really really old to rehash the same stuff with every cis person (well meaning or not) who comes along.

And you're guessing that she's trans rather than her telling you right?
Bringing up trans stuff could ruin her day just from the implicit "you *don't* pass enough that I can't tell you're trans" and like...

If you come on too strong and curious and ask invasive questions (that you might not realize are invasive), it *could* make her pretty uncomfortable, *personally* I'd probably laugh and answer everyones questions and laugh and smile while inwardly feeling really uncomfortable and nervous and put on the spot and just do that day after day.

as for the comment that she passes really well, I'd highly recommend against ever bringing something like that up, unless asked. We don't need cis people to decide how well we're doing for us. We also don't need to be automatically assumed to following "the trans narrative" (as determined by cis people) in concentrating on things like passing or how she's being really successful (presumably everyone else there is successful too). I mean, go ahead and compliment her on anything you'd compliment other femme people on, her dress, or earrings, or whatever. but yeah, stay away from "oh you pass so well!"

She might like someone to talk to about trans stuff, or she might hate it, either way I'd wait for *her* to bring it up.

And yeah, this really isn't about you, go ahead and make friends of course, but do it because she's cool, and not because she's trans (down that path lies the DARK SIDE!), and you're not a terrible person for wondering, but remember as the cis person here, you're in a huge position of privilege, and that we get asked really intrusive stuff all the time so be careful.

In summary o_q *monocle emoticon*
You don't have to know about her struggles as a trans woman. And the desire to do so way before being that close to her, and before you know her well enough be comfortable asking about anything else that intimate *is* sorta about you. Her talking about trans stuff should be up to her and on her time. There are other things to build a friendship on, and I'd go for those.

OK, I had some super 101 questions that I've been trying to figure out how to articulate, but the more I mulled over how to articulate them, the more questions came up, so I'm just going to list some of them.

What does the asterix in "trans*" indicate, and is there a significant difference in meaning and respect between trans* and trans?

I once had a world lit student tell me they had "Gender Dysmorphic Disorder" (not scare quotes, just wanted to make it clear that that was what the student said). Does that term mean the individual in question suffers from body dysphoria, or is it a DSM way of saying trans* or is it something else? The term came up after class when the student described themself to me that way in the context of asking if I were queer (apparently my sexual orientation was a topic of lively debate among my students that semester >_<). I didn't want to pry, since the student wasn't asking for my help with anything specifically to do with that, but it was clearly something they felt was an important aspect of who they were, to the point that it was one of the first personal things they mentioned to me, and I realized later that I wasn't totally sure what it meant.

I was under the impression that "genderqueer" is often used as a blanket term to describe anyone who doesn't fit into the cis and binary system of gender, but often implied a fluid, frequently changing gender identity. Is that accurate, or are there better, more accurate/respectful terms for each?

Thank you for giving us this opportunity to ask questions. Please let me know if I said or asked anything problematic or inappropriate.

I just want to applaud Osha's latest post, I think it was wonderful. Also this thread is relevant to my interests although I don't have any questions just now.

Thanks Princess Backpack. You pretty much told me all I needed to hear and more. And, I did realized that my talking about how well she is passing is troublesome, and you explained it in such a clear way.

I do know that I shouldn't just want to be friends with someone because they're queer -cool! or trans - cool! Definitely dark side slippery slope stuff I try to catch myself before I do. I just love the idea of a trans midwife. But, again, not about me. Not about me.

Thanks.

I really should have answered the trans* thing thoroughly when it was brought up, but was sleepy! Basically the asterisk is a wildcard to make it explicit that the word is for the entire trans spectrum.
Language here is gooey and really not well defined, so while I see it being basically interchangeable with "trans", some people see "trans*" as more inclusive and "trans" as less inclusive.

"gender dysmorphic disorder" is umm a pretty rare phrase (6 pages on google), and certainly isn't anything from the DSM. Could stem from mixing up the DSM "gender identity disorder" with "body dysmorphic disorder" and the phrase "gender dysphoria", but I don't really know.
So yeah, I mean they sound trans to me and it's likely that they have some gender dysphoria but I'm really not comfortable guessing and can't be sure or speak for them.
In any case, even if it was some official thing I'd recommend listening to them about their experiences and try not to assume stuff about them based off of what X medical diagnosis says. *shrug!* Sorry if that wasn't super helpful xD;

As for the word "genderqueer", way less comfortable speaking on this, and less sure, and all binary myself. So take this with a huuuuuge grain of salt (it is true! I cannot resist answering questions!). And again, language here is still very much in flux, but I see genderqueer as a very loose and broad sort of identity word for anyone who doesn't fit in the gender binary and wants to use it.
Different genderqueer people may have wildly different genders, or experience gender totally differently (though binary people could also experience gender totally different from eachother!). I don't think it implies much beyond that. Though if I were trying to use a catch all I'd probably go for "nonbinary people" (which uses language that centers the binary, so isn't perfect , but seems like more of a catch all to me).
For fluid gender I tend to think more of "genderfluid", "bigender", and "trigender", though of course a genderqueer person could have a fluid gender, and someone who identifies as genderfluid could also identify as genderqueer, etc.
Again though I'm a little familiar with this, I am still totally speaking from a place of privilege here, and not super familiar, so yeah, keep that in mind.

MomTFH, isn't loving 'the idea' of a trans [woman] midwife who you don't know actually loving your cis ideas of what it means to be a trans woman midwife? She's not an idea, she's a person.

Cool, thanks for the answers!

Once again, I must say you're awesome osha princess!

I <3 you so much!

Quixotess, I know her, I just don't know her well. I will be working with her pretty closely in less than a month. But, yes, it is problematic to make this about me and my desires to be the cool cis person who knows her and supports her. That's why I wanted to hash it out here instead of when I'm working with her. I realize that it isn't my place and her life as a person and midwife who is trans exists in spite of me and really has very little to do with me, except that I will be a medical student working with her. I am really more practically concerned with her letting me have more hands on experience at the births, and having a good working relationship with her.

But, there are so few people who are trans that do birth work (not my personal observation, but that of people like Miriam of Radical Doula and a midwife student who is trans I have talked to) I think it is, in my own cis privileged way, a cool thing there happens to be one at my obstetrics rotation.

Hmm well so here's a question that I guess is kind of related to MomTFH's previous question...

I work at a grocery store just north of downtown where we don't know most of our customers very well because it's not really a family location, right, it's more like a business location. On occasion (and of course this happened at my old store as well) a customer comes in who looks to me like they might be trans. Pretty normal stuff! Anyway I recently noticed that I kind of amp up my customer service with customers I think might be trans. Like being extra careful with their bags and smiling and thanking them and stuff. Not like acting weird or fake (well, I say "have a nice day" 100s of times a day so that's a little fake but not faker than usual), just redoubling my efforts to do what I'm always supposed to do anyway.

So my question is do you see any problems with or anything wrong with giving better customer service to people who I think might be trans?