Fugitivus Discussion Forum

It's good to know you're getting some support, Eirwyn - wishing you all the good luck. All of it! *hugs*

*contributes to Eirwyn's growing hug collection some more*

This is a little bit late I suppose, just found this thread. But WOW, Eirwyn, you are so strong. *more of the internet hugz!* You did what you needed to do to get out of an abusive situation. I hope all is well by now, or at least getting there.

*hugs* Thank you. :3 Oh, wow, oops, I accidentally ignored the other hugs. Thank you, Hex, thank you, Tevarre.

Things are actually beginning to mirror the same situation as back at home. :C; You know, I read once that in abusive households, people start to take on different roles. I don't remember them all, but they're Rebel, Caretaker, the Invisible one, Responsible one/Leader, and Scapegoat. I end up being the scapegoat wherever I go because I trigger EVERYONE, and then once everyone figures out that they have ALL been triggered by me at some point, they decide I'm a troublemaker and that they need to provide a united front against my "nonsense", and since I'm the one seen as solely responsible, they ignore the fact that every person that's part of their united front reacts to me differently at different times. So every time someone gets triggered, whether or not I was actually talking to them or just accidentally leaving behind a few crumbs, they get to call on a whole support system and punish me.

I can't seem to NOT end up in that situation because my need to be heard and understood pushes me to speak up, speaking up is seen as me being demanding or provocative, and then there are times when I sacrifice speaking up for being everyone's therapist, and then people get confused by my inconsistency, start putting more pressure on me to STAY the Caretaker, and then when I can't handle that role PLUS suppressing all my feelings anymore, I blow up. And then people ask infuriating questions about my meds, since all of their problems with me are blamed on me and my disorder and they don't see their part in the drama. Holy fuck.

So now I'm stuck in a situation where I'm being expected to accomodate the moods and personalities of TWELVE PEOPLE in the house, while at the same time getting NO ACCOMODATION WHATSOEVER for my own needs- which, right now, have been narrowed down to "just please leave me alone for a while". Jesus Christ.

I'm being expected to survive these conditions until July 1st. :l So now I'm forced to be Invisible, and to be out of the house pretty much all the time. I don't even feel like I can eat in peace there because one of the housemates, J, is starting to show helicopter mom tendencies, being bossy and controlling and making me feel like I can't relax or make any mistakes without her jumping out of the woodwork at me. I tried to tell the house manager about this, but since I am now firmly and irrevocably the Scapegoat, she snapped at me to just deal with or get out of the house.

Basically, anyone can bully me with impunity, they can pile more and more expectations on me, and I'm not supposed to make a peep about it.

I'm sorry, Eirwyn. /hugs

Those roles are an interesting way of putting it. I spent a lot of time trying to be invisible when I lived with my parents, to the point that if anyone else was home most of my meals consisted of me dashing to the kitchen to grab something I could stuff into my mouth (a few slices of ham, a soda, or a banana or something) on my way back into hiding.

I'm sorry things are sucking for you right now, Eirwyn. I wish I could just wave my magic wand and find you a non-shitty living situation, but alas, real life doesn't work that way.

D: D: D:

Unexecutable wishes are worth nothing, but I would so be offering you a place to stay if I could. And I so, so loathe "you just need to take your pills" -style attempts at 'helping.' UM NO THANKS, I JUST NEED FEWER PEOPLE BEING DOUCHETRUCKS AT ME.

*hugssssss* x at least 100

Hahahaha. "Douchetrucks." <3

Awww, thank you so much, folks. <:3 *hugs Esurio, hugs Hex, hugs Smoovie x100 back* <3<3<3 You folks help me survive, you really do. Things have calmed down a bit for now, although J is STILL all up in my business. I've decided to accept that things that go on within the household are under her jurisdiction as unofficial house manager, but it pisses me the hell off when she gets all nosy about whether or not I'm going to my program. What I do outside of the house is MY fucking business. The minimum requirement is getting out of the house for a certain amount of time at least three times a week. I already got out on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. And yesterday she was like, "You know you don't have to go to your program, don't you?" OF COURSE I know that, I've just been made to feel so wholly unwelcome that I don't even want to be at the house anymore. Jesus Christ. And today she asked me about where I was going. FUCK THE FUCK OFF, J.

Augh times one million at that kind of "but whyyyyy don't you want to be RIGHT HERE where I can criticize you some more?" bullshit from J >:/ I'm sorry you're in such a stressful situation, and I really hope that things get better for you soon - even if it takes a while for a new living situation to open up, I hope that people will at least find a different role to insist on assigning you - being the scapegoat sounds incredibly frustrating and toxic, and I'm really impressed that you're dealing with it (the situation itself and the injustice) as well as you are. I'm really sorry you're in that situation, but I'm so impressed and really proud of you/for you/ to know you for how well you're handling it. Seriously, I know people twice your age without half your insight and determination. *hugs* and stay safe.